Saturday, July 19, 2014

Small minds & low blows.

Today I write about a personal topic I'd like to share, this is not entirely related to my posts about augmentation. This is a topic I'd like to air out because it has tormented me for years.....

I have personal insecurities, which may be obvious to some & not to others. I am a very open person, I feel ok expressing my pains with insecurities to those I trust or with people that need a boost of confidence, letting others know they're not alone. It's no surprise that being openly insecure about something can bring a "frienemy" or maybe even a loved one to say hurtful things about your insecurities in "revenge". These types of people really sicken me. How is it, when you're being openly vulnerable about something so painful that people can run with it to hurt you purposefully?

You're probably wondering what it is that's so "painful" for me. My skin. As a teen, I had really great skin. Makeup counter girls would compliment my olive skin & at the time I thought I was just normal. Somewhere towards the end of my freshman year I began having deep, cystic acne issues. I mean, cry yourself to sleep acne. I didn't leave my house that summer! When I went back my sophmore year, friends were like what happened? Because I never had apimple before & all of a sudden I was a pizza face. Back then, I had never worm makeup. I wasn't allowed to! My deep cystic acne had been inherited from both sides of my family. It was devastaing. I tried so many things, prescriptions, skin care lines, you name it. Proactive helped get my skin under control but the damage was done, I was left with pock marks & ice pick scarring-Plus, I still had less sever acne.

Let's fast forward.....

Relationships.

Every single relationship I've had in the past, I've been comfortable in my own skin. I've gone without makeup, exposing my flaws. I'm a tuff cookie, I can bare my natural self flaws & all. When these relationships ended, my flaws would become a punching bag for these guys to feel better about themselves. It was really hurtful. I've had ex-boyfriends call me crater face, pizza face, butterface....basically any hurtful jab they could think of. Literally 4 out of 5 of my more "serious" relationships ended with bashing my flaws. 

The funny thing is, I still did modeling, swimsuit contests, Hooter's events & many beauty related events-And I'd win, or be selected for special events. My confidence was tarnished, but I never let myself stay down for too long. I still feel pretty, but the psychological damage is deep seeded.

"Friends"

It wasn't always the bruised ego of a dumped boyfriend that lashed out at me. Sometimes acquaintances would turn into less then friendly & my flaws were the first thing to be pointed out. That was more painful then the ex's because at least my ex's were upset over being dumped. These "friends" or acquaintances, really had no reason to say the things they said. most of the time, it would be a childish thing If I didn't like someone, or if they didn't like me-the entire group chimes in. You know what I mean? So immature. This is why someones appearance is the last thing on my mind, even if I despise the person! I never point out physical flaws, there's no reason to be so cruel.

This week.

This week, all of my insecurities are ripped open & fresh. Social media can be so cruel....let me give a backstory to the situation, bear with me....it's a novel.

October 2013:
The week I left my Ex-Husband, he began camping out every night at my old job-Hooter's. I always thought it was super creepy, but he was lonely & most of the girls I worked with knew him & they were still nice to him because I never aired his dirty laundry. My ex is quite the piece of work, he played on the fact I up & left without much notice to all my "friends" with a huge pity party of (1) for himself. My "friends" felt bad for him, they'd be nice to him...which never really bothered me. I hadn't worked there in over a year by that time, none of them really knew what was going on with me because I was so embarrassed. Of course some of these "friends" made their own assumptions & opinions after I moved back to California so suddenly. My ex was military, & he played his cards well. He ended up sleeping with my "friend" the first night they met. Yup, about TWO wks after I left him. I was shocked, this girl & I had hung out many occasions...she was not just a co-worker. They began dating, & honestly-so did I. I didn't have a problem that he wanted to move on...but he did so in a malicious & hurtful way. This girl had dark hair like mine, we both went to cosmetology school, both Italian....the similarities were funny. My ex would publicly call me a cake face, tell people I only look good with makeup & all sorts of harsh things....then he would post pictures of her & brag how "naturally" beautiful she was, an obvious jab. Which is quite funny because she looks similar to me, and yes-She wore lots of makeup too! The fact someone I was married to for 3yrs, someone I once loved & trusted-Was now playing with my insecurities in a VERY public way; It was painful. We have tons of mutual friends, if I didn't see his hurtful posts myself, someone would send a screenshot to me. Everything this "man" (I shouldn't even call him a man!!!) posted, was passively directed at me.

Let's fast forward to 9mo later....

July 2014:
This week I learned that this SAME "friend" has been hooking up with another married man....and this girl knows the wife! I was disgusted, not only did this skank sleep with my not even ex husband, she was sleeping with my OTHER friends husband now too! The sad part is, my friend has a son with her soon to be ex-husband & this home-wrecker seems to have no respect for anyone including herself. I'll be honest, I can be brutally honest....for months I let my Ex make himself look like an idiot on social media by posting "I love You" type crap with my doppelgänger....lol. After hearing what this skank was up to again, I lost it. I posted a very smart ass remark via social media & I even texted her personally. Of course I don't have nice things to say to a "friend" that sleeps with her friends husbands, who does? Mind you, I never once said anything negative about her appearance this entire time.

This scandalous girl always posts passive crap, always "poor me" bullshit. I said it! BULLSHIT. She really was a good fit for my ex....I'm surprised their "love" didn't outlast our divorce...haha. So she posts something indirectly this wk, which got back to me because the hashtags were blatantly directed at me....

#YouKnowWhoYouAre #CantWorkoutYourFACE

Of course one of my friends had caught onto this, & it was sent to me. Then my ex had a comment & another "mutual friend" posted on this too. I could see the home-wrecker having harsh words with me because clearly we have major problems with each other....But, for this mutual friend (Let's call her...Ms. America) it was an undeserved slap.

Ms. America had been a "good friend" for 3yrs. We constantly worked together, hung out, drank together....she was actually my motivator to do Hooter's events. Ms.America was an 8x calendar girl, infact she was the COVER for a Hooter's calendar once. Ms. America also did playboy, she was very beautiful & with her pushing me to do contests I felt as if I could actually win-And I did! She would boost my confidence here & there, & coming from her it meant so much to me. She was rally one of the most beautiful women I knew.....

Ms. America also happens to be friends with the home-wrecker. After all these years of friendship, Ms. America sat by & even encouraged the home-wrecker when she was dating my Ex. It was a really weird situation..I felt more betrayed that my"friends" were sitting by as if it was ok for my HUSBAND to date my friend. I never talked to Ms. America ever again, I couldn't be friends with anyone that close to the home-wrecker.

Ms. Amerca's comments about my insecurity dug much deeper then all the other jabs....I guess it's because I never provoked her. I really was shocked to see her comments. Btw Ms. America is 32. I never really understood why a 32yr old would get involved in this situation.

I'm not a perfectly kind little angel all the time, trust me I know I can be brutally honest. However, I was wronged in the ultimate betrayal of friendship...I still to this day feel I was justified in my emotions with the situation. I learned that the home-wrecker has obvious issues, & her colors finally showed the second time she did this. I hate to say that it was validating, but it was....unfortunately it had to be at the expense of a close friend of mine.

I lost alot of friends by choice. I couldn't trust anyone that associated themselves with that type of person. You would think I would have major trust issues after being cheated on in the past, after all the shady emails, pics & texts I found when I was "Happily Married". But I'm not.  Men are not all the same, my new beau has validated that just being himself. Women however, have burned me so many times throughout my life I keep a very small circle of trusted friends.

I realize this post is so long, & it's all over the place with topics....but they tie into one another which fuels my physical insecurity. I wanted to express how words can make someone feel...because your words are a reflection of your character. Below is a response to the recent jabs made at me via social media:

"If the only notable flaw is about my appearance, I'm doing something right. I'd rather be the bud of someones self esteem jab then to be talked down for valuable things such as character. #smallminds #butwherewillyoubeintenyears#cantfixanuglyheart — feeling proud."

At the end of the day, at least I'm moving forward. I'm much happier today then a year ago, life is not perfect but I'm free of the worries I once endured. I've always been a strong willed person, but every once & a while there's an asshole that tries to kick me down. I'm just happy the put downs are nothing to do with myself as a person.


Monday, June 30, 2014

Summer 2014 Swimsuit Update!

Guess what?! I actually FOUND an amazing bikini top....at Victorias secret of all places!!!!!!!

For those of you that keep up with my blog, I recently blogged about the struggles of finding cute bikini tops other then triangle tops. I have purchased TWO bikinis this summer....The first was a no-go. Second was life changing!

Ok, so the first one was a risk...I ordered a super trendy lil bikini off Etsy online. Loved the brazillian bottom, hated the top. It didn't cover anything. Honestly, I don't know if the top came with a tag or not & by the time I decided it would never work...I kinda just threw it in a drawer & gave up without returning it for an exchange. I thought I was defeated, I really started to think I would forever wear triangle top bikinis. This is exactly why I HATE ordering bras/bikinis online! 

Last weekend, I stopped by Victoria's Secret. Now, I am NOT a fan of VS products for augmented breasts. In my experience, nothing has worked out very well even though I still stuff my boobs into their products haha. I used to love the miraculous/bombshell pre-op, now everything is obnoxiously padded for my implants or too much coverage. However, they are starting to carry new sizes in store such as 32DD, 32DDD which is good news.

Anyways, back to my shopping trip this past weekend. I have a major La Jolla vacay coming up & it was absolutely necessary to find a top that would provide just enough support that I won't bust out. I was desperate. I noticed VS now carries 32DD in store, & I opted for a couple of tops. To my surprise, it was just right! The top looked HUGE on the shelves next to the itty bitty 32A's & I wasn't sure how this would work out but it did. I purchased one top, it is called the Forever Sexy Rouched Demi Bikini.

32DD Forever Sexy Rouched Demi Bikini Top

Oddly, I do not fit very well with VS 32DD in bra's....I did try bra's on this shopping trip, stay tuned for that blog post! I feel comfortable in this top, it definitely provides the right support without being full coverage. It is tasteful, yet sexy. I love this top so much I may just buy a few more in different colors! I paired this leopard print top with a Black VS Bitsy Bottom.

About this bikini top, it is a halter bikini with a neck tie. The back is seamless (no tie) which is similar to many of their bra's. The back gives a very smooth appearance (no back fat) which was not noticeable underneath my fitted clothing/coverup-A definite PLUS. I wore this top for 6hrs straight at a Poolside BBQ & had no issues with having to re-adjust constantly like I usually have to do with my triangle tops. This bikini top has molded cups, lightly lined for comfort. I wouldn't call this a push-up bikini because the lining is minimal....but it does have a great structure that showcases the body perfectly.

Victoria's Secret has redeemed itself this season. I've tried their swimsuits before & they were never a good fit. This year, they definitely brought their game & provided more unique sizes for the busty petite women!
 LOVE!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Cosmetic Procedure Financing

Buyers beware! If you have to finance your augmentation or any other cosmetic procedure-Beware of Care credit!!!!!

First off, I suggest trying to put down as much cash as possible!!!! No interest fee's & you will thank yourself in the long run. I personally only financed $1,000 on care credit...my procedure was $6,000 so I feel like I did my best to pay upfront but I wish I didn't finance through Care Credit!!!!

Here's why-
  • Care Credit offers an "interest free" period that lures you in. After that, you can expect to pay about 30% interest....oh, & they sent out a mass email to consumers saying you could possibly get a refund if "You were not adequately informed about and did not understand (a) that you would owe interest on your account if the balance was not paid in full by the expiration of the promotional period; (b) your interest rate; or (c) that the applicable interest accrues on your balance during the promotional period from the purchase date.".............what?! So basically I paid interest...for an interest free promotion. SCAM ALERT!!!!! They say I could get refunded but I'm so OVER their crap I can't even deal with them at this point....
  • You will have to sign up for automated payments. I asked if I could choose my withdrawal date to sync with my paydays & the rep said yes. After 4mo of automatic payments I receive a notice my account has FOUR late fees!!!! After arguing that THEY set up the payments incorrectly they corrected my bill....after about an hour of arguing the facts!
  • Whenever you call, you will speak with someone who has poor English.

Why am I writing to you about this two years later? I just reviewed my credit score. I've been trying EXTRA hard to pay down all my debt because I want to be able to get a good rate in the future to purchase a home. I saw TWO late payments from Care Credit on my score!!! Which is not accurate!!!!! I do not know if I can dispute this or how long this will stay on my score....I'm upset because I've paid that card off, yet here it is affecting me years later. Like I said, THEY screwed me over with my automatic withdrawals being set up inaccurately....why is this appearing on my score?! Calling them is literally useless because they speak the shittiest English & you go in circles before anything happens. I've reduced my debt in HALF within 6mo time....I know I have to be patient for everything to appear accurately but I'm upset. My credit score hasn't improved despite all these payments & I'm frustrated. Trust me, it's tempting to blow all that extra money on things I want...but I have the future on my mind.

Just wondering....has anyone else had these problems with Care Credit???

How long does it take for late payments to come off a score?

Basically I have learned that cash/debit is the only way to go in life. I have not charged a single thing in a couple years now....still paying off a bit of debt. It's not worth it! If you have to finance part of your procedure I recommend patience. Wait. Or at least pay up front as much as possible & finance the rest through a card or lender you are familiar with!!! DO NOT BUY INTO THE CARE CREDIT SCAM!!!!!!!!